Dad's Mini Lesson - Make Your Own Butter
It's Not Just For Trad Wives Anymore
That’s right. Time to get your churn on!
I mean, not a real churn, we’re gonna use a mason jar, but you get the idea.
You might be asking yourself: why would I make my own butter when I could simply go to the store and buy a stick of the stuff? Maybe even a four pack of them? Costco tub? Margarine? It’s not even all that expensive (yet)??
You’ve posed some great questions, friend, and I’ve got some simple answers for you. Why? Because it’s kind of fun. And because you’re going to be shocked how little effort it takes?? Also, and I say with a tremendous amount of love, it’s really goddamn fun to just do something dumb for absolutely no reason. Our minds long for silly, pointless activities. The sole purpose of doing something goofy is to give our brains a good ol’ serotonin boost. Making your own butter is an activity that’s a cool time simply because you can do it with just basic shit that you (probably ) already have in your home!
So let’s get thrifty y’all. It’s time to make some butter!
Here’s what you’ll need:
Literally it’s just a jar with a lid (any kind will do, you don’t have to be a fuckin’ hipster about it), some heavy whipping cream, and some salt (one to two pinches) if you want the butter to be salted. If not, then all you need is the cream and the jar and your own literal arm.
That’s right, it’s time to shake this bad boy! For what feels like hours!
Now for the fun(?) part: you’re going to spend an ungodly amount of time shaking this jar of liquid until it turns into literal butter.
Growing up, I was taught a lot of household stuff in my evangelical household. I took sewing classes and made my own clothes and a really banging pair of culottes, which will undoubtedly turn into a future lesson. I learned lots of other domestic things, too. The time I made butter, however, was different. It was the summer before 5th grade and my mother had put my brother and I into a “day camp” at our elementary school, which was essentially a place where we did next to nothing all afternoon and spent the day more bored than we would have been at our own house. But it was free, and our family didn’t have any money, so off we went to school.
Hold please, time for a butter check:
After several minutes, you should really be feeling the burn (unless you’re a lesbian… in which case you might have what I charmingly call “fuck arm,” which means the muscles in your hand, wrist, and forearm are slightly more developed from certain… activities). The liquid should be coating the jar and look fairly thick. In this case, if you wanted to stop, you would have whipped cream. But you don’t want whipped cream!! You want BUTTER!!! So you must keep shaking, friend.
Anyway, back to the story. So one day at this summer camp for poor children, the teachers handed out baby food jars and sloshed some heavy cream into them. They told us that we were going to be like the homesteaders, meaning that we were going to make our own butter. The kids were all excited because we were all really hungry and assumed that “making our own butter” meant we were going to get some food. Did they hand out bread or crackers? No, they did not. And by the time we left for the day, no one had successfully made any butter, because to be honest, we were doing a half-ass job of shaking our mini churns.
If you’re still shaking like you should, you’re going to notice a difference in the consistency of the cream. It will start to feel… more viscous? Like it’s sliding around in the jar in a weird way. It will feel harder to shake. It will feel thick. You’re not done yet, but buddy, you’re getting close! Keep shaking!
Anyway, we went home on the school bus with our mini jars of nearly spoiled whipping cream, and on this particular occasion, I was so invested in my stupid jar of poison milk that when it came time to say goodbye to my teacher, I leaned in and put my arms around her neck and kissed her hard right on the mouth! Horrified, I ran onto the bus and prayed that no one had seen me do this terrible thing.
Ms. Holland, if you’re reading this, sorry about that.
Wow, look at that! You’ve shaken the jar long enough that all sense has likely left your brain and all feeling has left your arm! You’ve made butter! Hot damn!
This will take at least ten minutes, probably longer. You can speed along the process by sticking your jar in the freezer ahead of time and making sure that your heavy whipping cream is icy-cold, too. But if you shake it consistently, for ten plus minutes, you WILL get butter.
You can either serve this tasty treat immediately, store it in the fridge, or decide to be hella bougie and mix in some fixings. Herbs? Chopped garlic? Diced fruit?? Sky is the limit here, feel free to go crazy. Life is short and everything sucks, but at least we’ve got snacks!
Thanks for joining me for another mini lesson, friends. I had a real good time.
And don’t forget!!! This Thursday, I’ll be talking to Alex Chee about how to make the perfect martini! We had a lot of fun with this one. You’ll need a paid subscription to access all that beautiful, boozy content, so consider bumping up so you can make a delicious drink with us!
Love,
Dad